New book from Michael W. Dean
(Sample covered by Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial Attribution license 3.0.)
Website for book: http://www.lifeamp.org/
Forum for posting thoughts about the book and its methods is here.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS DON’T WORK
I’m beginning this book right here, right now. It’s New Year’s Eve, at 11:41 PM California time, December 31, 2008. I’m hanging out with my lovely and brilliant wife, Debra Jean Dean (even her name is a poem!). She and I are spending a quiet night alone, and are very happy to do so. We are so darned happy almost all the time that we don’t have any need to “go out and party.” We are a party. Sure, we have friends, but everything we need is right here - happiness, love, warmth…and even three cats. Debra Jean’s in the kitchen baking us some of her yummy cookies. We are two people who are so good for each other that nothing else is required to have a great time.
Individually, before we met, we weren’t always like this. I’ll tell you how we improved our lives, and how you can too.
We’re not doing anything special for New Year’s. We’re doing laundry and ordering out for some good food. New Year’s Eve is just another day for us. We feel that if you live your life well, live each day, each week, each year, with purpose and integrity, there’s not much need to pretend that a particular calendar day has much meaning. This is especially true the day the whole thing synthetically starts over again. We think it starts over every day.
And why wait to do your “emotional housecleaning” (and all other life housekeeping) on New Year’s, or on any one day of the year? If you do spot cleaning throughout the months, there’s no need to “dump everything and start over” at year’s end. Imagine if you only cleaned your home, or did laundry, once a year!
And who wants to start the new year with a hangover and remorse, anyway?
I’ve never put much faith in New Year’s resolutions. They don’t work. Ask anyone. Ask yourself.
I took a random e-mail sampling about this, asking several people I know if they’ve ever made a New Year’s resolution to change something big for the rest of their life. Of the people who had, the answers generally boiled down to something like:
“I promised to change my career, but that was two years ago and I’m still stuck in the same job.” Or “I promised to not let other people run my life in the coming year, but by mid-January I’d broken that promise and am kicking myself for being controlled or bullied by my lover (…my family, co-workers, my friends, my boss…fill in the blank…).”
This kind of reminds me of that old nugget: “Quitting smoking? It’s easy. I’ve done it dozens of times!”
WHAT IS PESD?
My wife and I have synthesized a simple program of detaching with love from people who make us crazy. We call it Practical Emotional Self-Defense, or PESD (Pronounced out loud, it’s “PEST”, which really underlines who we’re trying to keep out of our lives and out of our hair. The acronym is also reminiscent of PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder, which is something that PESD can help overcome, or even prevent.)
We use PESD a lot. Daily. It can be done without much effort once it’s been practiced for a while.
WHAT IS CODEPENDENCE?
The best definition of “codependence” I’ve found is from (of all places) Wikipedia:
A codependent can be loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her. A “codependent” is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people. The dependent, or obviously needy party(s), may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount. The codependent party exhibits behavior, which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy party's condition, because of their desire to be needed, and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship.
So basically, codependence is when you care for and worry about other people, especially broken and twisted people, so much that it’s to the detriment of your own wellbeing.
A classic example is the wife of an alcoholic who lies for him, worries constantly, suffers and slowly watches her soul die from being in a relationship with him, yet cannot let go. In more extreme cases, codependence is an addiction to trying to fix broken people. If the alcoholic dies, the codependent wife may even be likely to marry another alcoholic. She’s addicted to trying to fix broken men.
Codependence can make people do extreme things while thinking everything’s normal and good. Codependence causes people to think that the extreme is normal.
I
know a guy who once went to the corner payphone with a fistful of quarters so
he could call his own phone repeatedly and leave messages to fill up his answering
machine so he couldn’t receive any nasty messages from his nutty ex-girlfriend.
When I asked him whether unplugging the answering machine might have been an
easier plan, he replied that he hadn’t thought of it.
Sigh.
The above examples are of obviously codependent people. People dealing with seriously squicky people and situations. (“Squicky means “sick and icky”, and also “skewed and icky.”)
Yet more subtle examples exist every day. I’m sure you can name a few people who “make your life heck.” We all have these people in our lives. But why do we?
Codependence can be an unhealthy attraction to serenity vampires, but a lot of what we’re going to deal with here is situations where relatively healthy people are feeling “crazy” from reacting to unhealthy people. In these cases, if the healthy people can effectively delete the unhealthy people from their lives, learn to recognize them in the future, and avoid letting more in, the job is 9/10 done. From that point they need only do a little tune-up from time to time on their “internal BIOS” (to borrow a computing term), in order to stay happy and healthy.
Our PESD system is for people who just want to minimize the effect of the serenity vampires, get their life on track, and be as productive and happy as they can possibly be.
Most so-called “love songs” are actually “codependence songs.” Think about it next time you hear one. Many songwriters aren’t inspired to take pen to paper when things are going well, but rather when things are going horribly.
WHAT IS LIFEAMP?
This book also deals with Time Management and with Organization Building. These, combined with PESD form what we call “Life Amplification” or “LifeAmp.”
“LifeAmp” is the author’s term for a combination of:
The total goal of LifeAmp is to be comfortable in your own skin, and make a living doing something you love.
LifeAmp is not difficult to implement if you commit to it, and it works very well.
WHAT IS TIME MANAGEMENT?
Wikipedia to the rescue again. (Why reinvent the wheel by trying to improve a definition that’s already been done well? That would be poor time management!)
Time management refers to a range of skills, tools, and techniques utilized to accomplish specific tasks, projects and goals. This set encompasses a wide scope of activities, and these include planning, setting goals, delegation, analysis of time spent, monitoring, organizing, scheduling, and prioritizing. Initially time management referred only to business or work activities, but eventually the term broadened to include personal activities also. A time-management system is a designed combination of processes, tools and techniques.
Time Management also includes Goal Management, but our form of it isn’t like most systems out there, in that we don’t set you up to become addicted to buying an endless torrent of books, day planners, software and daily affirmation calendars. Everything you need is in this one book that you’re holding.
WHAT IS ORGANIZATION BUILDING?
Organization Building is working effectively in teams, large or small. It differs from conventional “team building” exercises in that it can work on a smaller scale, and for any type of company, even a small ad-hoc group of two or three people that has neither the money nor the desire to hire a team-building consultant.
Also, Organization Building is based more on meritocracy, that is, finding and keeping people based on merit, and helping them work together, rather than hiring people based only on a diploma, then trying to “tune up” those who are ineffective in the real world.
WHO THIS BOOK IS FOR
This book is for anyone who’s not already perfect & blissed, but not beyond help. It’s for anyone who has an open mind, wants to better their life, get rid of people and things that sap your energy. It’s for those who want to do something great with their life but first need to get rid of people and things that hold them back. It’s for folks who want to make great changes in their employment, financial situation, love life, art, or just feel better inside their own skin.
Let’s put it in graph form. Let’s make a continuum of “crazy-making” in human relationships. We’ll number it from 0 to 100, with 0 being “totally sane” and 100 being “totally crazy.” (When I use the term “crazy”, I’m not being derogatory, and not implying actual permanent mental illness. I’m talking about the way we feel “crazy” on a day-to-day basis when we’re involved in toxic or codependent relationships with friends, family, coworkers, etc.)
Figure 2.1
“Crazy-Making” in all human relationships
You want to be over on the left, near zero. My wife and I are, on average, at about 10 on this scale. That’s a nice place to be, especially over a long time line.
Figure 2.2
My wife and I on the “crazy-making” continuum
I would say we’re at zero, but nothing in life is perfect, and occasionally other people poke at us, as humans are wont to do, and we have to deal with it. This can sometimes cause us to rise to 25 or 30 on the crazy-making scale for a little while. But then, we practice PESD (again, that stands for Practical Emotional Self-Defense) and get it back down near zero. So our average is around 10 on this scale.
Note: about 20 years ago, she and I hovered around 90. Yikes! This change is what allows me to speak to the subject of how to get healthier!
A zero on this scale would be “totally blessed.” Not many people are constantly at zero. Perhaps some monks, but no one I’ve met. It probably isn’t even healthy to be at zero. That would mean you are totally unaffected by anything that other people do.
In the same way that physical pain exists to let us know when our hand is on a hot stove, a healthy sensitivity to serenity vampires and other toxins will let us know when to “jump back from the stove” of the crazy-making people and get away.
Many people hover between 30 to 70 on this scale, which isn’t great. That can lead to ulcers, high blood pressure and a shortened life. But these are the people we can certainly help.
Figure 2.3
Where most people fall on the “crazy-making” scale
Hovering above 80 can lead to depression or even suicide, and is moving out of the range of what PESD can help with.
Figure 2.4
“Crazy-Making” that might end your life if you don’t get help
Anything above 90 usually means you are involved with someone who is actively abusing you on a daily basis, someone of a seriously high cruelty level (perhaps even treating you in a way that is literally criminal), someone who is either stealing all your money, locking you in your home, emotionally destroying you, breaking your bones, or all of the above. It can lead to suicide or killing your abuser. If this is the case, this book isn’t going to save your life. If this is you, you need something that’s beyond this book. If this is you, please get the help you need. You deserve it.
Figure 2.5
“Crazy-Making” that puts you beyond our help
This really isn’t a book for people who are above 80 on this scale. They could certainly be helped by something here, but they need more than we can offer.
NOT QUITE “SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE”, BUT CLOSE….
After I’d been going to AA meetings for a few years, I did a little quick math, and decided that while less than one percent of the population actually was in AA, probably five to seven percent of all people needed to be. Or at least would benefit from it. But when I went into Codependents Anonymous, I realized that nearly 100% of the world would benefit from it. While no where near everyone is an alcoholic, almost all people at one time or another put up with human interactions that harm them, and have no idea they can do anything about it.
NOTE: I am no longer a member of AA, Codependents Anonymous, Al-Anon, Narcotics Anonymous, SLAA, or any other 12-step fellowship. So I am not breaking my anonymity by saying that I used to go to meetings. As a non-member, the 11th and 12th traditions, which deal with anonymity, no longer apply to me.
Practical Emotional Self-Defense won’t likely solve all the problems of people who are currently dependent on drugs or alcohol. It could help them some. But they probably need more at first, until they get the substances out of their bodies for a while, and have done at least a small bit of living sober. Twelve-step meetings helped me with that, until I outgrew them and learned to stay sober, and grow, on my own.
LifeAmp in general, and PESD in specific, is definitely for the rest of the world – the 90%+ of us who don’t have anyone truly dangerous in our lives, but are accosted by serenity vampires on a daily basis. That is worth addressing, because fighting SVs can grind us down over the decades.
This book is for the majority of the world, those who are at least occasionally “driven crazy” by others, but are not in a long-term constant state of emergency from substance addiction or from horribly abusive relationships.
If you are occasionally “driven crazy” by others, this book can help you lead a much happier life.
Figure 2.6
The large number of people who will be helped by this book
Also, if you used to have actual abusers in your life, have dealt with them, and are no longer letting abusers in your life, but still deal with serenity vampires (and soul mosquitoes!), this book can help. Consider it grad school after you have your basic degree.
LET’S DEFINE OUR TERMS
I sometimes refer to milder serenity vampires in this book as “soul mosquitoes” (sometimes shortened here to simply “mosquitoes”) and sometimes also as “weenies.” Serenity vampires are severe; weenies are just squicky and persistent. Soul mosquitoes are somewhere in the middle. I use these derogatory terms to really paint a picture of the true nature of problematic people in your mind. Because while we’re in the early stages of learning to overcoming codependence, it can be difficult not to fall back into bad habits, to continue to be involved with someone who is bad for you. Labeling them in your mind will help your resolve.
While I encourage the use of these terms, I do not suggest calling serenity vampires, soul mosquitoes and weenies such to their face. Serenity vampires are not logical people and it will only make things worse. But it will be easy not to call them names in person, because our goal is for you to not even have to talk to them much anymore, if at all.
I take the term “weenies” from the word “overweening” in this Bible verse:
“The proud and arrogant man-"Mocker" is his name; he behaves with overweening pride.” -- Proverbs 21:24
People I call “weenies” are so darned sure of themselves that they know they’re right, and have to prove it to you, even when they’re dead wrong. Know anyone like that? I do.
Using the phrases serenity vampire, soul mosquito and weenie diffuses and dehumanizes the problematic person in your mind. This helps you not feel bad (not that you should!) about deleting them and blocking them. This is done in the same way that in physical self-defense people often use the word “goblin” for someone who physically assaults you. Using dehumanizing phraseology may seem cruel, but it’s not. It’s a technique for dealing with someone who should not be in your life and in your head, but decides to be there anyway. This is an initiation of psychic force on their part, and calls for emotional self-defense. The labeling makes it easier to apply self-defense without worrying that you might “hurt their feelings.” They’re hurting your feelings – don’t worry about hurting theirs.
Self-defense is appropriate and right.
Serenity vampires, soul mosquitoes and weenies all bleed you dry, though the serenity vampires do it more quickly (or more squickly) and suck more “blood”. But they’re all of the same icky sub-species of human, and all are to be avoided. They’ll all suck you dry over time, until there’s nothing left to save.
Figure 2.7
Toxic people, from least to most toxic
SPOTTING SVs
Most books on codependence deal with “abusers” or “narcissists” or “sociopaths.” This book mostly deals with weenies, mosquitoes, and SVs. With pests. There are a lot more pests in the world than there are abusers, full-blown narcissists or homicidal sociopaths. So people often put up with weenies their whole life. What a waste of a life!
It’s easier to spot actual abusers. They leave visible bruises, or at least severe emotional scars. Weenies and SVs only leave tiny scars inside, paper cuts on your soul, so it’s easier to say, “Oh, it’s OK, I can deal with it.” People say this until they’re old, alone, angry, and their soul is covered with scar tissue. But you don’t have to do this. You can deal with the weenies, mosquitoes and SVs, starting today. Starting right now.
Serenity Vampires are horrible. But while weenies and mosquitoes are certainly more common, the net-net bottom line is the same. Ten mosquitoes probably equal one hardcore SV, and five hardcore SVs probably equal one true abuser, as far as how it they wreck your day.
Some days it feels like we have a “Kick me!” sign on our backs, but more often it’s as if someone has affixed a “Please waste my time!” sign.
If you want to minimize the effects of SVs and weenies in your life, and also get out in the world and make your mark, this is the book for you.
WHY THE AUTHOR IS QUALIFIED TO WRITE THIS BOOK
I am not a psychologist. I am an author and filmmaker. My wife, Debra Jean, helped me with some of the concepts for this book. (I asked her if she wanted to be listed as a co-author. She declined, because she felt she didn’t do enough “hands on” writing to be listed. Her role entailed me bouncing ideas off her and her making suggestions, then editing and proofreading later. Maybe she’ll be listed as co-author on the next book I write, regardless of the topic.)
Debra Jean is not a licensed therapist. She’s a paralegal. But in my 44 years and her 49 years, we both have enough life experience, good and bad, and have learned from our own mistakes and the mistakes of others, to live our lives well.
Two men started alcoholics Anonymous in 1935. One was a doctor, but he was not a psychotherapist. He was a proctologist. The other guy was a stockbroker. But they were both alcoholics seeking to recover. Alcoholics Anonymous has helped many millions of people turn their lives around, and has spawned over 50 twelve-step programs, including CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous) and Al-Anon, which both deal with addiction to people, as opposed to addiction to a substance.
Some of the other books I’ve written are required reading in colleges, even though I only have a high school diploma. (And I barely got that. I was too busy cutting class to go to the library, trying to actually learn something, and out in the world applying what I’d learned, to do well on tests.) Yet my wife and I both have at least a Master’s degree-level understanding of several fields, from a combination of a thirst for knowledge, and practical application. I am a recovering alcoholic with many years sober.
After a few years off the bottle I realized that staying sober was the easy part. The hard part was “dealing with life on life’s terms”, which to me mostly meant dealing with people. I spent years in CODA and Al-Anon, did some time in SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous), and also got some traditional psychotherapy under my belt.
As a recovering addict and recovering alcoholic I must say that I don't agree with the idea that recovering addicts and recovering alcoholics deserve a lot of unique praise beyond an “attaboy” or “good girl.” Because people don't get that same praise for never having had those problems.
I really don’t believe in “the recovery industry”, and dislike the idea of people getting the special spotlight for telling the triumphant story of their valiant struggle with drugs. It perpetuates a victim mentality. I say “get over it man, stop being a victim, and move on.”
By “recovery industry” I mean some of those publishers in Minnesota, and others like them, and the parade of talk shows, reality shows, for-profit seminars, workbooks, pendants, “recovery coffee cups”, plush toys, calendars and other commercialization of the free gift that is recovery.
Disgust with that is part of the reason I gave this book away as a free download as well as selling printed copies. I like that recovery didn’t cost money in the 1930s. So I don’t want anyone who can’t afford my help to be barred by their situation from having it.
If you downloaded this book free and it helps you, feel free to make a donation later when you can afford it. Or don’t. Either way is fine. I’m just happy to be of service.
WHY THE WIFE IS QUALIFIED TO HELP WITH THIS BOOK
Debra Jean’s first husband was a drunk. She finally found the strength to kick him out, and ended up raising her two children without him. She suffered from, and overcame, the depression that arose from that first marriage. The children are both adults now. Debra Jean moved on. So can you. (And I am certain, had I been an active drunk or addict when she met me, she wouldn’t be my wife today. If I were even still alive, the only interaction we’d probably ever have would be me panhandling her on the street. )
The main reason my wife and I are qualified to work together on this book is that we both used to be relatively unhappy people, and we are now very happy people. We now deal pretty well with problems as they arise, and don’t hold on to the pain of the past for very long. We are relatively free from anxiety, and free from toxic relationships. We are both sober, productive, loving and enjoy the hell out of life on a daily basis, and have been over a long period of time. We both have long personal track records of being able to overcome hard times. And we both have extensive professional resumes of being able to organize, prioritize, explain, teach and transmit knowledge with simplicity and aplomb.
I usually write tech books, but every book I write includes an end chapter called “Closing Arguments” that is more about the why than the how. It’s the spiritual chapter for agnostics, the “live a life that makes a difference” chapter. And that chapter is often the part that people remember the most.
Well, I’m tired of tech, have a lot more to say, and thus, this book is all Closing Arguments. (Which is why the last chapter in this book is not called “Closing Arguments.” It’s called “Letter to a Young Me.”)
YOU CAN’T PLAY THE BLUES ON A GUITAR THAT’S NEVER BEEN IN A PAWN SHOP
My only child died two years ago of leukemia. Amelia was 22. The ultimate “dealing with people” is dealing with their death. I’ve heard it said “You can’t play the blues on a guitar that’s never been in a pawn shop.” Well, dealing with the death of a child gives one life experience that you can’t get in a college textbook.
The death of your child is not like the death of a parent. My mother died eight years ago. I loved her dearly, but she was 75. She’d lived a full life. Dealing with the death of my daughter was about 40 times harder, and that is no exaggeration.
Probably the only tiny positive spin I can put on my daughter's death is that there is no longer anyone on the planet I am afraid of embarrassing by speaking my mind all the time. I previously held back some stuff in public, out of respect for her. But since she died, I've made a decision to lay it all out from here on out.
MORE ON MY “RESUME”
I’ve had a string of bad relationships. I’ve had to call the cops on ex-girlfriends who would not leave me alone. I’ve had to put a restraining order on someone. I’ve learned from all of this and will never make the mistakes that put me in situations like that again. I now know how to recognize and sidestep toxic weenies, how to present myself in the world, to other people, and to my personal vision of a higher power.
A big part of the reason that my wife and I have such a happy marriage is that we had both learned what not to do, before we even met. We’d both learned how to be whole alone, and weren’t looking for someone else to “fix” us. Most of our other relationships were us trying to fix ourselves through someone else, or even trying to fix ourselves through trying to fix someone else. This doesn’t work. You can only have a happy love life when you already love yourself.
By “fix”, we mean two things. The first is “repair.” But “fix” is also junkie slang for getting a dose of heroin when you’re going through withdrawals. The lack of dope makes an addict sick, so they are fixed by getting a “fix” (dose) of heroin. This same term, fix, is used by addicts and alcoholics in recovery for any behavior that they think is replacing the drug once they’re sober.
Another qualification my wife and I have to give guidance to others is the fact that our love life is spectacular. Not only do we get along great, average less than one real argument a year (and always get past that quickly), and love to talk to each other, late into the night about anything and everything, we also make love at least seven times a week. And it’s great. And it does not require little blue pills, even though I’m middle aged. We turn each other on that much, in body, mind and soul.
Debra Jean and I are both “go-to guys” for many of our friends, and even for complete strangers. We don’t really give “advice”; we give, as they say in 12-step programs, “experience, strength and hope.” And what we give people works, a very large majority of the time.
THE MEANING OF LIFE
I feel like people are put on this earth simply for the reason of having an ongoing spiritual experience. I’m having one, and Debra Jean is having one. We are “spiritual beings having a human experience.” Our spiritual human experience does not involve Christ, church, and it no longer involves 12-step groups. It’s in everything we do.
Sometimes we make mistakes, we are human, but we don’t make the same mistakes over and over any more.
GETTING RID OF THE PESTS
They say that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” What we’d like to impart is showing you where this has been true in our lives, and where it might be true in your life. Then show what we’ve done to look for saner, happier solutions, and how you might too.
WHAT’S BOTHERS PEOPLE THE MOST?
Ask a dozen people what their biggest problem is in life. You probably think most people would put “money” at the top of the list, but I’ve found it isn’t so. Some will mention money; some will mention their job. Some will say it’s their kids, their spouse, their ex, their boss, their co-workers, their neighbors. If you boil it all down, most people’s problems are with people. Even the money problems usually boil down to an inability to effectively deal with other people.
We want to show you how to keep those PESTS out of your brain!
CREDIT WHERE CREDIT’S DUE
I’m standing on the shoulders of giants here. The Nestlandia Institute’s LifeAmp program is a new and unique way of interpreting some of life’s mysteries. Much of these methods are shown here for the first time ever. But some of it is an original synthesis of points already made in existing work by other people and organizations. I’ll point them out as I remember. And all of them are listed in the “Recommended Reading” Appendix. They’re all great folks, and while I want to take you further, or at least in useful uncharted directions, I couldn’t have done some of this without them.
THE GOD THING
I believe in God, though I’m not a Christian. But I do try to live my life by the philosophy of Jesus Christ, and by the Ten Commandments.
If you’re a Christian who has trouble hearing some of what I have to say because I do not call my higher power Jesus Christ, please consider listening anyway.
More importantly, if you’re an atheist who has trouble reading what I have to say because I do believe in something, hear me out.
Author (and Christian) Kenneth Royce, a.k.a. Boston T. Party, said it well: “The sole fact that one is a Christian is no guarantee that they will be a good neighbor, any more than one’s atheism guarantees that they will not.”
Most of my friends are not Christians, but I would certainly agree with Royce’s statement, and the inverse also; the sole fact that one is a not a Christian is no guarantee that someone will be a good neighbor, any more than one's Christianity guarantees that they will not. And unless a religious person has an overwhelming need to convert me, I find they usually make better neighbors than many agnostics and atheists. Christians believe in something, whereas many people today often believe in nothing, and have no ethical code of any kind to live by.
Like the saying goes, “When you believe in nothing, you’ll fall for anything.”
HOW I TEACH
This is not “Recovery and Time Management for Simpletons.” Such a book would not work. Well, it might make you feel good about shelling out your money, and that might help you vow to make some really big changes, and stick to them for a few weeks. But that’s just a form of New Year’s resolution. And we know they don’t work.
That’s another part of why I’m giving this book away as an eBook well as selling it as a paperback – so you will know my motivations are to spread something I believe in, not just to make a buck. My third reason for giving the book away on the Internet is so it is not censorable. If for some reason I were stopped from publishing it, other people would have it and could share it, even if I were taken out of the equation. Because, as the saying goes, "taking something off the Internet is like taking pee out of a pool with a spoon."
I work with a more Socratic method than the authors of most “how-to” books. I’ll give you examples, parables, stories, ideals, questions, inspiration, a few challenges, and more. Maybe even ask you to ask yourself some questions. It’s not “Step 1, Step 2, Step 3…” but it works even better than that, and is actually simpler. And more fun!
I’m not going to promise, “I’ll solve all your problems overnight.” That’s the lie of most self-help writers, and almost all paid “life coaches.” They promise you instant results, but deliver slowly so they can keep taking your money by continuing to hold your hand. Forever.
I’d rather teach you to solve your own problems, by showing you how I’ve solved mine. This will be less like school taught by a “book learning” expert, and more like a conversation - like a friend sitting next to you sharing experience, strength and hope….a friend who’s been there.
READY? GOOD!
So…relax, curl up with this good book, put on your open-mindedness hat and hear our solutions to life’s most ubiquitous problems. We’ll start with a solution called The Only Two Rules in Life.
THE ONLY TWO RULES IN LIFE
There are really only two rules in life:
These rules are in everything truly good that you’ve ever heard. They’re in the Ten Commandments. They’re in the teachings of Jesus. Moses. Buddha. The Dalai Lama. Emily Post. They’re everything that you need to know that you learned in kindergarten. That’s because these two rules are innate. They are the Golden Rules. The Natural Law.
I call them The Only Two Rules in Life.
All decent people have both these rules hard-wired inside the DNA of their soul. Sometimes people forget, or are influenced otherwise, but most people, if raised well, then left to their own devices, will follow these two rules almost all the time. Because breaking these rules, even if no one sees you, leads to pain.
BUT I HEARD IT DIFFERENTLY!
Many people say that the two innate laws in life are “Do not initiate force” and “Keep your word.” (There are lots of variations on the wording, but all of them basically boil down to those two concepts.)
I agree entirely with these two rules as others state them. But it is also a natural fact of human existence that you do not have to accept force when someone breaks these rules. Too many people do accept initiations of force, and it festers. Over time we accept more and more force as “just the way things are.” People become subjects, and eventually slaves. When many people “give in” to force, large or small, in their daily lives, they perpetuate this dysfunction until it becomes a global and historic disaster.
My wording of The Only Two Rules in Life may seem like three rules, but the do not accept force in the first rule is really part of the same thing. Do not participate in force, whether it’s coming or going. If you do not exert force, you’re living right. If you’re not accepting force, you’re defending yourself, which allows you to live, and to keep living happy and healthy.
Therefore, to be thorough, I’ve included “….or accept” into my version of the two rules. That is, “Do not initiate force” becomes “Do not initiate, or accept, force.”
“Force” used in true self-defense does not break the rules, because you are not initiating force, you are using only what you need to block force.
Since this is a book on emotional self-defense, my wording of The Only Two Rules in Life is the clearest way for me to represent all these important concepts.
Blocking SVs is basically just you saying “Get off my emotional property!”
CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES
“Accepting no initiations of force” does not mean you have to stand your ground to fight every emotional battle that tries to come your way in life. Fighting every battle will make you prematurely old and tired. Some people just want to fight, and you can often simply step out of their way. They will either find someone else who will spar with them, or fly past you and destroy themselves under their own emotional momentum.
The key to Practical Emotional Self-Defense is learning the difference between battles that are worth fighting, and those that are worth sidestepping or blocking.
RULE ONE: DO NOT INITIATE, OR ACCEPT, FORCE
Force can be physical or emotional. If someone holds a gun to your head and takes your wallet or rapes you, it’s physical force. If someone coerces you into staying in a situation or relationship that you know is bad for you, it’s emotional force. When someone bullies you, belittles you, or is passive-aggressive to you, they’re also initiating emotional force.
NOTE: “Passive-Aggressive” means insulting someone while pretending not to. It usually, but not always, employs sarcasm and irony. When someone says “Oh, nice shirt” but they’re actually insulting your shirt with their tone, that’s passive-aggressive behavior.
Passive-aggressive people will also often use a reversal, where they say one thing, then contradict it with something else and hope you won’t notice. Things like “I don’t want to be disrespectful, but you’re really an idiot…” The person does want to be disrespectful, but thinks that if they say otherwise, you won’t stick up for yourself. (Not to say that every sentence that begins with “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but….” is disrespectful, but it often is.
Passive-aggressive people also often give unasked-for advice as a way to belittle you.
Passive-aggressive people usually deny that they’re up to anything when confronted. Sometimes they may not be aware that they’re doing it. They live life so deeply cloaked and soaked in sarcasm that they’re not even sure what’s true and what isn’t when it comes out of their mouth. But they usually do know. They’ll probably still deny it, but inside they’re secretly laughing at you and thinking “Zing! I really got him with that one!”
A lot of people become passive-aggressive as a defense mechanism for dealing with rough people, but carry this along for life, even when not dealing with rough people. For many, it’s easier to be “clever” and cut someone down instead of being positive.
Passive-aggressive people should be avoided like the cancer they are.
WE DON’T ALWAYS SEE THE SMALL THINGS
Sometimes initiations of force can be very subtle.
It’s easy for us to recognize large initiations of force. If we saw someone coming at us with a knife, we’d get out of the way if we could. If we couldn’t, we’d hope we could fight them off. But when someone comes at you with small emotional initiations of force, they’re often very hard to see, because we are used to it, and believe the lie that “that’s life.” So we accept them, perhaps without even realizing it at the time. We accommodate. We bend. We people please.
NOTE: While being an SV is the aggressive side of the codependence coin, People Pleasing is the more passive “receiving end.” A people pleaser is the person who tries too hard to make everyone happy, which is impossible. It’s not healthy, and it is certainly a form of codependence. People pleasers are doormats. People pleasers consistently choose others’ happiness over their own, often to their own detriment. You should work on not being a people pleaser. Because you can’t save anyone else until you save yourself. You should also work on recognizing people pleasing in others. It’s not healthy to be on either end of that equation.
Scammers and users often masquerade as people pleasers. They don’t necessarily try to please everyone, but single out people who have weaknesses they can exploit. Don’t distrust everyone automatically, but if someone you don’t know very well seems overly complimentary of you, or overtly concerned with you liking them, look for agendas. The darker side of these agendas are often financial, but not always. The person may be trying to rip you off for money (or get you to be an enabler by keeping them in alcohol or drugs, or by just giving them an ongoing warm place to drink, or not work). Or they may simply be aggressively seeking friendship, love, sex, security, food, clothing (or all of the above) in an unhealthy way. These people are bums.
Show ‘em the door, and change the locks, both on your house, and on your soul.
Sooner or later we become so used to people pleasing that we accept it as part of life. But you’d be amazed at how much of it can actually be avoided. And also how much passive-aggressive behavior we do not have to put up with. You never need to even encounter most of it, if you are willing to rearrange your life a bit, including who you let in.
RULE TWO: KEEP YOUR WORD
This sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s not. Most people, at one time or another, fail to keep their word to others. And worse yet, many people do not keep their word to themselves. And sometimes aren’t even aware of it.
Keeping your word also means keeping confidences. People with integrity do not tell other people when someone says “keep this a secret.” Even if someone doesn’t say “keep this a secret”, good friends intuitively know when to keep their mouth shut.
The world is full of gossips. Gossips are mosquitoes, and sometimes SVs. Avoid them.
Sociopaths can break their word without caring. If it hurts you inside when you tell a lie, you have a conscience. If someone can lie without caring, especially over and over, they are sociopathic, at least to some degree.
THE “TWO RULES” AND LAW
The Only Two Rules in Life is a new name for an old concept. These two rules predate law, but are also the foundation of every good law in the world. The first rule (“Do not initiate force”) is about protecting life, wellbeing and property. It’s the fundamental element of all good criminal law. It’s why it’s illegal to murder, rape, steal, defraud and vandalize. In every culture.
The second rule (“Keep your word”) is the essence of all good civil law. When someone sues someone over a contract dispute, they are suing the other party for not keeping their word.
The Only Two Rules in Life have nothing to do with all the silly laws of the world, those that protect you from yourself and take all-important Darwinism (Spencerism actually – Herbert Spencer coined the phrase “survival of the fittest”) out of the equation: seatbelt laws, helmet laws, the fact that in Calabasas, California you cannot smoke a cigarette inside a house you own. The Only Two Rules in Life have nothing to do with the fact that in Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. The Only Two Rules in Life also have nothing to do with laws that protect no one from anything, laws that only exist to employ lawmakers and enforcers. Like requiring permission or a “permit” to marry the love of your life or build on your own land. That stuff is not covered by natural law. That stuff exists because lawmakers think they need to keep busy to keep getting a paycheck. They don’t realize that sometimes inaction is all the action you need, and is better for everyone involved. Non-natural laws exist because people unwilling to fend for themselves scream “There oughta be a law!”
There are already enough laws. Too many laws. When people want to make a new law, they should think about that saying from Al-Anon, “Don’t just do something, stand there!” Sometimes inaction really is the best action.
A thought: I feel that laws that “protect us from ourselves”, those laws fostered by what is commonly called “the Nanny State”, are very codependent in and of themselves. So are the people who enact them and the people who like them.
I’m a grown man; I can protect myself from myself. And if I can’t, that’s my business.
“CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?”
I don’t “hate the player”, I “hate the game.” I hate the idea that initiating force has become so “cool.” Most heroes in most media today, from movies to songs to video games, are people who take by force.
(Notice I don’t mention books? Only about 4% of the population even reads regularly these days. Reading is almost dead. If you’re reading this, you’re one of the few smart people left.)
But taking by force is not a new idea. It’s age old.
I believe that the opening scene of the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey is probably the most accurate piece of film I’ve ever seen. It’s almost a documentary, but there just weren’t any cameras around back then, so Kubrick had to recreate it. Around the time of the Dawn of Man, some hominoid probably hit another hominoid on the head with a bone, to take territory and food (power and money). That was probably the first use of a tool. And before the tool was used, there was a lot of yelling. Yelling is emotional abuse, and it’s usually a warning sign that more abuse is about to happen. And if the hominoid who got hit was to survive, he had to defend himself.
Anyone who thinks that self-defense, physical or emotional, is a policy perpetuating mutually assured destruction, please consider that you might be wrong. Self-defense is the way of the world, and has been since day one. Or maybe day two, at the latest. Some folks are just no darned good. Many people want to pretend otherwise, want to believe that everyone is good, and then aren’t prepared when they run into someone who isn’t.
PREPARATION FOR SELF-DEFENSE
The Only Two Rules in Life are all you need to keep your side of the street clean, in any situation. Living by The Only Two Rules in Life is also the kind of behavior to look for in others. If people practice the Two Rules effortlessly (especially without even knowing them as rules), they’re good people to be around. If they ignore the Two Rules, you should avoid them and perhaps block them.
You cannot make people behave in an ethical way, so you will do best to step out of the path of anyone who does not practice The Only Two Rules in Life. Get out of the way and let them bug and harm someone else.
As I said, some of this may sound, at least on paper, like a no-brainer. Human nature is in all of us. We’re all born knowing the Two Rules. But I’m amazed at how many people (including myself at times, especially in the past) forget the things that all humans are born knowing.
ACTION:
· Write the two rules down, hang the piece of paper on your wall and study it daily
· Memorize the rules.
· Meditate on the rules.
· Look for places in your day when you break the rules. Look for places that others break the rules. Don’t point it out to them when they do, just realize it for yourself.
· Do the same with passive-aggressive behavior. Note when you do it, and when others do it.
Make notes. Writing things down, instead of just thinking them, is often very helpful. But keep your notes private. If your notes are on your computer, I recommend TrueCrypt, a free and easy to use encryption program, and HushMail, free encrypted webmail.
www.truecrypt.org (URL 5)
and
www.hushmail.com (URL 6)
For e-mail, PGP
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pretty_Good_Privacy (URL 7)
is a little harder to use, but more secure than HushMail.
http://www.pgp.com/downloads/desktoptrial/desktoptrial2.html (URL 8)
And with all your notes, read them a few times over a period of a few days or weeks, to see how your opinion on things changes with time as you grow and learn…as you recover.
TIP: Something I learned in high school has allowed me to quickly and efficiently internalize any non-fiction book. The secret is to use a yellow highlighter and highlight one sentence in most of the paragraphs. In any paragraph of a well-written non-fiction book, there is usually one sentence that sums up that paragraph. This master sentence is usually near the end of the paragraph, but not always. Sometimes it’s even the first sentence of a paragraph.
After reading a book, think about it for a while, then go back and just read the highlighted parts. This will usually be an accurate summary of the book.
When I first started doing this, I would do the highlighting on my second pass through a book. But with practice, I was able to do it effortlessly on the first pass.
So…this has been a rather short chapter, no? That’s OK. It’s some of the most important information in this book. Mull it over for a day if you want, maybe re-read it.
Then let’s move on and put theory into practice by learning about Practical Emotional Self-Defense.
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(Check out the forum for posting thoughts about the book and its methods is here.)